Finding our perfect partner, the one who completes us, is a dream many of us chase. But is it truly possible to find that ideal soulmate? Relationship expert Montse Cazcarra has a straightforward answer: "The perfect partner doesn't exist." However, she clarifies that we can find someone who aligns with our thoughts, attachment style, and values, creating a more compatible partnership.
Cazcarra emphasizes the importance of personality in relationships, especially traditional traits like emotional stability and kindness. But she also delves deeper, suggesting that how we handle emotions, intimacy, and past wounds plays a crucial role. She asks thought-provoking questions: Do we run from conflict or approach it calmly? How do we manage feelings of abandonment and rejection?
The concept of opposites attracting is intriguing, but Cazcarra warns that it's not a guarantee of success. In fact, opposing traits can lead to power imbalances and one-sided dynamics. She gives examples of anxious-avoidant couples or 'saviour and saved' dynamics, where one person assumes responsibility for the other.
But here's where it gets controversial: Cazcarra argues that these dynamics, while offering control and secondary benefits, also lead to relationship burnout and higher conflict rates. So, what should we aspire to? "Relationships where power and responsibility are equally distributed," she says.
Understanding ourselves is key before we embark on the journey of finding a partner. Inner work, according to Cazcarra, determines our success or failure. We often don't know ourselves well enough to clearly articulate our desires. By working on ourselves, we gain a clearer, more conscious understanding of our relationships with ourselves and others.
To truly know yourself in the context of relationships, Cazcarra suggests exploring your attachment style, childhood trauma, how you handle emotions, and the protective strategies you employ. Self-compassion is vital on this journey, treating ourselves with kindness and avoiding self-judgment.
Our attachment style significantly influences our choice of partner. If we're unaware of it, we might be drawn to someone whose behavior constantly triggers us. Relationships should be spaces for growth, pushing us out of our comfort zones.
For instance, if you struggle with vulnerability, a partner who validates and supports your emotional side can help. If you fear abandonment, a reliable partner who responds consistently can ease those fears. But reliability is key; an unreliable partner might push you out of your comfort zone, but it's too confrontational to be safe and healing.
When considering a potential partner, Cazcarra suggests asking yourself five questions: Do you share similar outlooks on life and relationships? Are your views compatible when it comes to roles and limits? Can you both relate to emotional intimacy and distance in a harmonious way? Do you see conflict as an opportunity for growth, and is the relationship a safe space even during disagreements? Is the person emotionally available and reliable?
But here's the part most people miss: our choice of partner is often influenced by our emotional history, not logic. We may cling to a relationship because it's familiar, or because we fear being alone. Social pressure and the fear of loneliness can condition our partner choices.
Cazcarra emphasizes that being single is not a failure; it's a valid choice. The mistake lies in entering or staying in a relationship to avoid emotional discomfort or because of societal expectations.
To discover the type of partner that suits you best, Cazcarra suggests looking beyond the typical 'wish list' of qualities. The answer lies in your past choices and how you made them. It's about understanding the 'you' who needs to be chosen and the mature 'you' who knows what's best.
Some people choose partners based on their success or the need to 'save' them, forgetting other important factors. Others chase 'bad boys' thinking they can change them. It's essential to explore how you've felt in past relationships and what you want (and don't want) in future ones.
Building a relationship consciously involves identifying what's happening when we feel attracted. Each of us has different 'voices' or sub-personalities that emerge. Observing our relationship patterns helps us understand our feelings, actions, and decision-making processes.
Cazcarra suggests we explore our inner voices to understand why we feel and act the way we do. We might discover that we idealize partners, deceive ourselves to ignore red flags, or set standards so high that no one can meet them. We might throw ourselves into relationships intensely, sabotage bonds to avoid vulnerability, or be people-pleasers just to be chosen.
Looking at ourselves from this perspective helps us understand our emotional complexity and treat ourselves with compassion. Sometimes, choosing the right partner means learning to listen to ourselves first.
So, are you ready to embark on this journey of self-discovery and finding your ideal partner? The first step is understanding yourself and your emotional needs.
